at dinner my sister was going off about how im stupid for being weary of strangers. and how "stuff like that is never going to happen" because her friends live on dodgy roads and do things that could end badly all the time and it never does.
i couldnt eat. because all i could think was i should tell her and my dad. i knew i should. it was the moment. just get it out.
but i couldnt get the words out. i dont know what to do. i cant get it out. i cant say it to them .
i dont know how. i still have the shakes.
i have no faith in the kindness of strangers, because i have no faith in the kindness of people.
ive been googleing how to get over it and through it. and its showed me that every emotion and feeling ive been through is normal. but it didnt tell me how to beat it and get over it. and become myself again.
A.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
I.
i cant sleep.
i notice every time a guy touches me.
im so scared. all the time.
i feel vulnerable.
i feel dirty. i want new skin.
i have flash backs all the time. every night.
im scared of the dark.
i have nightmares.
i have no control. over my self or what happens to me.
some times i feel so depressed i dont know what to do with myself.
im so lonely.
and i hate myself for not being fixed yet.
but i still have no idea how to do that.
i dont want anyone new in my life because i wont be able to trust them.
i want to be looked after. every second of every day. by the people who should of done that. not the people who did. i am not there responsibility. i am the friends that have disappointed me responsibility.
i want someone to fix me. and make me ok again.
i want him to be punished, and never show his face again. because my punishment is a life sentence. and his is nothing.
i think people judge me, or think im exaggerating or lieing.
i dont have faith in anyone.
he has taken me. my happiness
and everything i ever trusted in and the things that meant most to me.
A.
i notice every time a guy touches me.
im so scared. all the time.
i feel vulnerable.
i feel dirty. i want new skin.
i have flash backs all the time. every night.
im scared of the dark.
i have nightmares.
i have no control. over my self or what happens to me.
some times i feel so depressed i dont know what to do with myself.
im so lonely.
and i hate myself for not being fixed yet.
but i still have no idea how to do that.
i dont want anyone new in my life because i wont be able to trust them.
i want to be looked after. every second of every day. by the people who should of done that. not the people who did. i am not there responsibility. i am the friends that have disappointed me responsibility.
i want someone to fix me. and make me ok again.
i want him to be punished, and never show his face again. because my punishment is a life sentence. and his is nothing.
i think people judge me, or think im exaggerating or lieing.
i dont have faith in anyone.
he has taken me. my happiness
and everything i ever trusted in and the things that meant most to me.
A.
Thursday, 30 December 2010
Kerry and Alaine
understood me.
looked out.
pointed out the truth even when i didn't want to hear it.
and I felt so isolated and alone
because everyone was making sure
he wasn't
and they didn't understand.
and their blindness
added to my pain
soo
much
SO much pain
some days i cant deal with it
and i dont know how to help myself
or how to fix myself.
help me please.
A.
looked out.
pointed out the truth even when i didn't want to hear it.
and I felt so isolated and alone
because everyone was making sure
he wasn't
and they didn't understand.
and their blindness
added to my pain
soo
much
SO much pain
some days i cant deal with it
and i dont know how to help myself
or how to fix myself.
help me please.
A.
Chrissie
this was the worst.
Hannah had told Chrissie everything on the day of.
she didn't contact me.
the next time she saw me was Rosie's birthday meal.
where she had a go at me for not contacting her.
then took me off to the loos with Hannah.
and told me
that I was lucky it had been will. because thats better than some stranger.
and that i was closer with him that they were so it was alright.
and that he was lonely.
and that I shouldn't of told all the people that I did
because if it got out then people wouldn't understand him.
Hannah agreed with her.
I wanted to cry. my friends. they let me down.
if they believed that. then they do not understand my pain.
I told her that I needed her
she didn't bother contacting me again.
A.
Hannah had told Chrissie everything on the day of.
she didn't contact me.
the next time she saw me was Rosie's birthday meal.
where she had a go at me for not contacting her.
then took me off to the loos with Hannah.
and told me
that I was lucky it had been will. because thats better than some stranger.
and that i was closer with him that they were so it was alright.
and that he was lonely.
and that I shouldn't of told all the people that I did
because if it got out then people wouldn't understand him.
Hannah agreed with her.
I wanted to cry. my friends. they let me down.
if they believed that. then they do not understand my pain.
I told her that I needed her
she didn't bother contacting me again.
A.
parents
the day that it happened
i removed will from my face book.
every picture of him removed. him deleted and blocked. every text message and email deleted. removed him from my msn. deleted his number.
i got at text from him that day
asking to come round so he could explain himself.
there is no excuse.
i told my dad that if will turned up he was not to be let in
nothing.
my parents obviously think that i am some pathetic child.
he started taking the piss out of me.. thinking we had had some argument and that we had fallen out.
took the piss.
he told my mum
and they took the piss together.
my mum forced me into telling her.
and i did not tell her it all just the basics.
i had the shakes
and she told me i was right that was unacceptable and not to let the basted grind you down.
she asked me if he had raped me.
i know it would of been alot worse if he had.
but the way she asked me was like if he didnt dont make a fuss.
she kept asking me if i was friends with him yet?
or talking to him yet?
or forgiven him yet.
she asked me if i was sure he was doing what i thought he was .. like with the same intention
i said that you didnt put your hand there if you weren't doing that.
an she told me she didnt want to know.
who do i turn to now?
who do i trust in?
who do i rely on?
A.
i removed will from my face book.
every picture of him removed. him deleted and blocked. every text message and email deleted. removed him from my msn. deleted his number.
i got at text from him that day
asking to come round so he could explain himself.
there is no excuse.
i told my dad that if will turned up he was not to be let in
nothing.
my parents obviously think that i am some pathetic child.
he started taking the piss out of me.. thinking we had had some argument and that we had fallen out.
took the piss.
he told my mum
and they took the piss together.
my mum forced me into telling her.
and i did not tell her it all just the basics.
i had the shakes
and she told me i was right that was unacceptable and not to let the basted grind you down.
she asked me if he had raped me.
i know it would of been alot worse if he had.
but the way she asked me was like if he didnt dont make a fuss.
she kept asking me if i was friends with him yet?
or talking to him yet?
or forgiven him yet.
she asked me if i was sure he was doing what i thought he was .. like with the same intention
i said that you didnt put your hand there if you weren't doing that.
an she told me she didnt want to know.
who do i turn to now?
who do i trust in?
who do i rely on?
A.
Josh
I told Josh at school.
he was helpful
but wanted to understand and wanted to talk to will.
make sure he didnt feel issolated
was going to make sure he got help
or he wouldnt be friends with him.
and would cut him out.
he talked to him
he talked to Hannah too.
i was told that will isnt going to get help because he wants to join the army and it would go on his record. but he was really sorry and stupid for doing it and really regrets it.
did Josh leave him.
no
he sits with him ever lunch and break at school. still best friends with him. jokes and messes around.
he told Hannah that he thought i would be friends with will again. - that said it all.
he has no idea how much seeing that hurts me.
DO i mean nothing?
does my pain mean noting to them?
A.
he was helpful
but wanted to understand and wanted to talk to will.
make sure he didnt feel issolated
was going to make sure he got help
or he wouldnt be friends with him.
and would cut him out.
he talked to him
he talked to Hannah too.
i was told that will isnt going to get help because he wants to join the army and it would go on his record. but he was really sorry and stupid for doing it and really regrets it.
did Josh leave him.
no
he sits with him ever lunch and break at school. still best friends with him. jokes and messes around.
he told Hannah that he thought i would be friends with will again. - that said it all.
he has no idea how much seeing that hurts me.
DO i mean nothing?
does my pain mean noting to them?
A.
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