C

he was going away on a trip with C that week.
so i didnt tell him
but
i so wanted to
because
he was the only one
who i knew how he would react.
he would protect me.
look after me. help me.
because he told me he cared about me and wanted to help me.

i didnt realise that was only when he thought he was going to get some action.

i told him the day that he come bk from the trip.
he reacted how i thought at wanted to hurt will. he didnt.
turns out he was all words.

i needed him so much.

i had difficulty sleeping all i could feel was wills hands on me.
i didnt feel safe. i woke up every hour to check i was still safe.
because now i didnt feel safe with even my family and
i couldnt rely on myself to keep me safe. because i was asleep
i cried myself to sleep every night for 3 weeks.
the only nights were i got some sleep were the ones where C texted me before i fell asleep
and then only time i didnt feel wills hands on me was when i imagined Cs hands around my waist.

when i made it clear to him that i didnt want a relationship or a thing
he cut me out, he stopped talking to me.
and i needed him so much.
but he thought his pain was greater than mine.

for years ive been putting my boys and my girls feelings first before mine because i dont want other people to hurt because i can take it and i dont want that for them.
and
no one could do it for me. and that hurt me so much.
in my time of need.

A.